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 NextGen Clinical Sys Analyst I
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 Diary

The Diary is normally too repressed to celebrate sentimentalism in public life, but occasionally a little heartwarmer sneaks under the wire, and today it's an Evening Standard City piece headlined "Cold snap proves a comfort for Dignity." "Britain's largest funeral services operator today felt the benefits of the recent cold snap," it begins, "after noting a marked increase in the death rate following last year's unexpected drop. Chief executive Peter Hindley said death rates had risen sharply last week but he would have to wait until next week to see whether this week's even colder temperatures have had a further positive effect on business." Golly. We don't want to get Peter slavering, but the suspense may be literally killing us. Yet what about last year's 3.4% shortfall in corpses? "Those 20,000 will be caught up with eventually," says Peter. "Historically, one bad year for numbers of deaths tends to be followed by a good one." Aha. That kind of "good", thinks the Diary's Simon Goodley as he gets Peter on the line. We've got a few family members looking a bit shaky, he tells him. When would be the optimum time for them to hang on till, in terms of your next results? "July and August," says Peter. Are you hoping for a cold snap then? asks Simon. "Exactly," cackles Peter. "It's going to be a bad summer." Mm. Lovely business, and all that.

· Surveillance: Iain Dale, the former proprietor of Politico's bookshop who is now standing as prospective Tory candidate in Norfolk, being interrupted by his mobile phone during a live appearance on Radio North Norfolk yesterday morning. Iain's ringtone is the shower music from Psycho, which prompts us to ask: do you know a public figure with a weirdo ring tone? Ex-king Constantine of Greece has What Shall We Do With A Drunken Sailor? - if that helps.

· To the Times letters page, where former Insititute of Directors boss Peter Morgan appears to have convinced himself he's the new Gerry Conlon. "On Tuesday of last week I was being driven from a City dinner to my home in Surrey" he writes. "...The car was stopped in Horse Guards Avenue by a posse[!] of one police sergeant and two constables... My driver was interrogated in the cold for 10 to 15 minutes. I was allowed back into the car after it had been searched. My briefcase was opened. I cannot imagine how any supposed terrorism threat can justify such a reversal of former practice." It sounds beyond wretched, particularly as we all know only one in 10 stop and searches results in an arrest. And it is of course especially brave for anyone connected with the IoD to get into debates about effectiveness.

· No prizes, next, to Corinne at Wendy Greey PR, for her press release advertising an eBay auction of "celebrity statements supporting worldwide illiteracy". There may well be nothing these people won't put their name to for exposure, Corinne, but there's no earthly reason you should allow yourself to be part of the process.

· Incidentally, there are times in life when we all feel like we must have missed a meeting, a piece of the jigsaw, a few pages in the endless novel that is human culture. On this basis, if anyone can help us with the suddenly ubiquitous alleged comic Jimmy Carr - who and why, mainly - could they get in touch? Thanking you.

· Finally, we are indebted to an article in yesterday's Washington Post for our Quote of the Week. "The jobs I'm being asked to do, the five hats that I wear, are too much for this mortal. I'm a little amazed at the workload ... It's got a huge amount of ambiguity in it. I don't know by law what my direct relationship is with John Negroponte, [Donald Rumsfeld or other top officials involved with intelligence]". Sadly, that's all we have time for from CIA chief Porter Goss. But do have a relaxing weekend.


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