Should I be an unpaid granny nanny?

My daughter has asked me to look after her three-year-old son while she's at work. What's a reasonable payment to ask for - and will asking for cash cause friction?

Make this a win-win situation

Asking for payment should be a positive move: you'll feel valued, and they won't feel beholden to you. Discussing how much it should be, will be the start of the richer and more complex relationship that you will all, hopefully, enjoy. The amount will vary according to the money and job satisfaction you lose/need, and what they can afford.

I looked after two grandchildren for two and a half years each for three days a week. I had wanted to retire, could manage financially and my daughters paid generously for all my holidays (though I never asked for a round the world cruise). Thirds time round I had found another job that I loved, but also wanted to care for my 10 month old grandson. The deal is that my daughter pays me what I was earning (roughly equal to the cost of a childminder) and I work one day a week.

Do try to make it work - this is a win-win situation for everyone.
L Bailey, London

Don't do it for nothing

Whatever you decide don't do it for nothing, keep reminding yourself what's ahead of you - 20 years of pension. Your paid working days are coming to an end, council tax bills still roll in, holiday prices go up. They have 20 years of earning power each. Their wages will increase with time, if you do it for love they will still moan about the price of the tickets to Florida and you won't be going with them.

From a granny and granddad who do out of hours sitting and sick days but have three children who didn't ask us to give up our freedom for them a second time round, remember you have done this once turn it down feel no guilt!!
R Hutson, Leasingham

Get nursery rates

Your well off daughter is asking you to give up your job so she can go to hers. Of course you should ask for cash. Your grandson will be getting one to one care. Unlike a nursery you'll never send him home if he's ill or fine your daughter if she's late picking him up.

You'll probably end up spending a fair bit of the money she gives you on treats and trips. You should charge your daughter the same as a nursery would, because you'll be providing a much better service all round.
Jane Cooper, Edinburgh

Get government help

Ask your daughter to suggest to her employer that s/he set up a childcare scheme under the new government tax regulations which come into effect in April. Under these regulations, employers can set up a scheme whereby the amount your daughter pays for childcare - up to ?50 a week - can be treated as non-taxable/NI-able (so deductions aren't applied to her salary until the childcare costs have been taken into account).

Furthermore, the employer agrees to pay over the childcare amounts direct to the childcare provider. You will qualify as a childcarer under this scheme, despite being a relative of the child, provided the care isn't given in the child's home.
Virginia Gledhill, Isle of Wight

What do you get out of it?

It is easy to see that this arrangement would be useful for your daughter but I'm not so sure about you. Are you really one of those grannies who wants the responsibility of being a full-time carer? In eighteen months or two years your grandson will be in school. Will you be able to pick up your part-time work again and restart your own life when you're not needed in term time?

Three-year-old grandchildren are wonderful but exhausting so don't even consider this unless you are thrilled at the prospect. We all want to help our families as much as we can but it isn't necessary to accept this sort of commitment. A compromise might be to offer to step in and provide cover when the child is not well enough to go to nursery/childminder and, when he starts school, to help out in holiday times. Good luck.
Granny McMullen, Lincolnshire

This makes me mad

My main response to the dilemna presented by your daughter is anger. It is far too common today for parents to expect someone else to look after their children. If there was an emergency situation where your daughter was in need of real help it would be different, but she is asking you to give up your life to make hers easier, pleasanter and more affluent, with apparently little thought as to the impact on your life.

Unless you have a burning urge to do this I should refuse and point out that you have been a parent once, brought up your children and now you have a different life which you do not wish to relinquish. Should you feel compelled to do this for your daughter, you need a decent income from it, at least what you are giving up, plus plenty of holidays. You could ameliorate any rejection by offering to look after him in the school holidays.
Sheilagh McIntosh, by email

Think on

I would think long and hard about this. On the face of it what could be
nicer than looking after your grandson 4 days a week but consider what
happens when you want to go on holiday, are unwell, need to have a plumber
call etc. What if she is late home from work or needs to have an early
start?

What about when he starts nursery/school (not far off at all) and
you have given up your own part-time job? You are bound to have different
attitudes to child raising, how will these be resolved? Do you have other
children; if so how will they feel about this arrangement?
Helen Cotton, Somerset